Dear Diary – Following the Light

Jul 13, 2022

It’s been a good while since I went on here. Feels like longer than it actually has, about two months or so according to my last post. Usually, when I take time away I still manage to fill in my personal journal here and there. But not this time. I actually need to buy a new one and that’s a great reason why I haven’t scribbled anything down. That’s one reason, anyway. The other? Well, it’s been – Life. Crazy. Emotional. Distant. Exciting. And Terrifying. To name a few adjectives. 

I’m currently in a trance. It feels. Like I’ve been zapped by some existential crisis and am now in a power outage of my own. It’s not just the instability and emotional toll of my personal relationships, but my professional life as well. I’m feeling, and I hate to admit this, stuck. Underemployed for sure. Underappreciated. Undervalued. But I did choose this. Some of this. 

Although all that is encompassing and influencing the emotional state of my mind, I am choosing to follow the light. The light in potential work possibilities. Travel possibilities (yes, I’m still itching to relocate, again). The exciting venture of rooting myself in a place of my own. It’s all exciting and definitely grounding me into my age of late twenties. 

I’m currently reading, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and How to Make the Most of Them Now by Meg Jay and it feels like a bucket of bricks has hit me on the side of the head. With epiphanies! As I sit in tears, snot, devastation, and defeat because of the happenings brought on by others I can’t control and by my own frustrating shortcomings, I’m reminded–or more so forcibly remind myself–that I’m doing good. Given the scary and traumatizing circumstances, I still have a roof over my head, a job that happily distracts me, a nearly completed capstone, and a post-grad degree I am so proud of pursuing following immediately after. A ticket to freedom as I’ve planned it to be. And with this, I hang on to hope like it’s the death of me to let go. 

I continue to follow the light, stubbornly believing that it’s still going to be okay. It might just look different than I’d planned it all a few months ago. Having no idea what anything looks like, will look like, should look like – I continue to follow the light. 

Because what’s the alternative? Staying here in the most dizzying state of life. 

No thank you.

I welcome anyone who wants to join me into the light. I believe it’s nicer out there.

Author

Author

Natalie Amezcua

Natalie (she/her/hers) is a humane educator and solutionary writer living in Los Angeles.

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Natalie is the author of sonatsays – blog. She is a solutionary thinker, dog mom, writer, and advocate for animal protection, environmental conservation, and human rights. Natalie has recently moved to her hometown of Los Angeles after living in Asia for several years to focus on her studies.

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